Pernikahan yang berbeda latar budaya memang menantang. Tapi, jika semua berjalan baik, ini harus dirayakan, bahkan bisa menjadi insprasi yang manis.

Di Australia, khususnya di Sydney, pernikahan antarbudaya lazim kita temui. Kita kenal banyak pasangan yang awet pernikahannya. Juga, pasangan yang harus berpisah karena satu dan lain hal.

Dari mereka yang berpisah, salah satu penyebabnya tentu budaya yang terlalu berbeda dan sulitnya membujuk hati untuk belajar. Harus diakui, pernikahan antarbudaya memang memiliki tekanan yang berbeda daripada mereka yang menikahi pasangan sebangsa. Karena kita sedang membahas harmoni dalam kehidupan, fokus tema kita bulan ini tentu hal-hal apa saja yang bisa “melengketkan” dua manusia yang berbeda latar balakang budaya. Berikut ini 7 di antaranya.

1. Rengkuh Perbedaan
Ketika kamu bilang “Yes, I will” pada pertanyaan “Will you marry me?” dari seseorang dengan latar belakang negara lain, kamu harus menyadari bahwa kamu akan memasuki dunia yang baru.

Segera, kamu akan diperkenalkan dengan berbagai ragam norma yang sama sekali baru. Hal itu bisa jadi membuat kamu gegar budaya–cepat atau lambat. Well, welcome to your new world! Hal terbaik untuk menyambut tantangan ini adalah memahami perbedaan-perbedaannya dan menerimanya apa adanya.

Ya, kamu pasti butuh waktu untuk mengerti and that’s okay. Jangan mengharapkan semuanya akan “beres” dalam semalam. Bicarakan dengan pasangan bahwa kamu perlu waktu–dan dia juga pastinya–dan berusahalah. Kesalahan pasti terjadi di awal-awal, but that’s fine. Cara terbaik untuk menerima perbedaan adalah bersikap terbuka saja.

2. Belajar, Belajar, Belajar
Kamu tentu tak menginginkan kegagagalan hanya karena perbedaan budaya, bukan?

Mengatasinya tentu dengan belajar memahami nilai-nilai dan budaya yang dianut pasangan sedekat mungkin. Tanyakanlah bagaimana ia dibesarkan, masa kecilnya, keluarganya, dan hubungan antarkeluarga.

Pertanyan tersebut membantu kalian memahami satu sama lain dengan lebih baik. Perlahan tapi pasti, kalian mulai tahu. Saat kamu berdua memutuskan untuk saling belajar kebudayaan masing-masing, pernikahan pasti berjalan lebih mulus.

3. Sama Rasa, Sama Perhatian
Setiap budaya memiliki budaya dan adatnya. Dalam pernikahan beda budaya, ada “ancaman tak terlihat” bahwa budaya yang satu akan mengungguli yang lain.

Pasangan menikah biasanya cenderung “nurut” pada keluarga besar untuk mengikuti nilai dan adat yang telah berlaku selama ini. Sulit rasanya memang untuk bilang tidak, dan mengikuti secara “hard core” pun sudah pasti akan membingungkan, terutama anak-anak yang lahir dari pasangan beda budaya. Di sinilah, pertimbangan yang jernih harus dipakai. 

Sebagai orang tua, tentu saja kamu tidak ingin anak kalian mengikuti hanya satu budaya saja. Untuk menghindari kebingungan dan semua pihak tetap happy, tuliskan apa saja yang penting dari dari kedua belah budaya dan ikuti. Memilih jalan tengah memang tidak mudah, tapi harus tetap diambil.

4. Pelajari Bahasanya Agar Komunikasi Lebih Baik
Ngebet menikah dengan si dia dan memelajari bahasanya memang nggak bisa jalan berbarengan. Menikah tentu menjadi prioritas pertama. Bahasa cinta tak ada tata bahasanya. Yang awalnya tidak bermasalah, keterbatasan bahasa lama-lama tentu akan menimbulkan masalah.

Selama pacaran, segala sesuatunya mungkin akan terasa baik-baik saja. Tapi, harus diakui, membahas sesuatu dalam bahasa yang tidak ia mengerti (juga sebaliknya) membuat komunikasi jadi macet

Solusinya adalah tentu saling memelajari bahasa. Belajar bahasa memiliki dua manfaat. Pertama, komunikasi ke dia menjadi lebih lancar. Kedua, pembicaraan dengan mertua dan keluarganya juga bisa berjalan normal. Jangan biarkan keterbatasan komunikasi membuat hubungan kamu dan dia tersendat.

5. Sabaaaarrrr
Jangan berharap segala sesuatunya akan menjadi lebih baik dan normal dalam waktu kilat. Kamu dan pasangan harus berupaya agar perbedaan budaya ini tidak menjadi batu sandungan dalam kehidupan pernikahan, meskipun di awal semuanya pasti serba “trial and error”. Kamu pasti bisa gagal dan pundung, tapi cobalah terus. Kuncinya adalah sabar.

Beradaptasi dengan budaya baru memang selalu menjadi tantangan. Ada waktunya nanti saat kamu nggak yakin apa yang harus dilakukan atau menyesali diri dengan keputusan yang sudah diambil. Yang penting, jangan menyerah! Belajar sesuatu yang baru itu perlu waktu. Cobalah terus dan pertahankan laju belajar yang stabil. Pada akhirnya, kamu akan memahami semuanya dan everything and things will be fine.

6. Bicarakan Jalan Keluarnya
Sebelum menikahi si dia yang dari benua lain, duduk dan bicarakanlah apa saja rencana kalian berdua dan bagaimana mencapainya. Kerjasama dan komunikasi yang sempurna antara kamu dan dia sangatlah penting. Kalian berdua akan mengarungi zona budaya yang sama sekali baru dan akan belajar banyak sekali hal baru. Dan, itu sama sekali bukan perjalanan yang sama sekali mudah.

Kalian berdua akan banyak menemui tantangan dan ujian di awal-awal perjalanan sebagai penjajakan. Kalian harus saling menguatkan diri dan mendorong untuk terus maju. Yang mengerti lebih dulu menuntut yang lainnya.

Jadi, bicarakanlah kalau ada masalah dan pikirkan rencananya untuk keluar dari isu-isu yang akan muncul sehingga pernikahan antarbudaya ini bisa berjalan sukses.

7. Tenggang Rasa
Tidak semua budaya sempurna. Ada masanya saat kamu nggak setuju dengan sebuah kebiasaan atau tradisi keluarganya. Memberitahukan pendapatamu atau ngotot bahwa tradisi itu tidak baik tentunya akan membuat suasana tidak kondusif. Belajarlah untuk toleran alias tenggang rasa.

Selama dalam pernikahan antarbudaya, kalian harus saling belajar untuk menghormati adat dan tradisi masing-masing. Caranya adalah menerima. Saat kamu menerima budaya pasanganmu, tidak perlu ada pertanyaan apakah hal itu masuk akal atau tidak. Lagipula, tidak baik menaruh logika di atas segala sepanjang waktu. Kadang, biarkan perasaan (cintamu) menuntunmu–agar pernikahan ini berhasil.

Selamat menjalani kehidupan yang harmonis! [IM]

6 PASANGAN BEDA BUDAYA BERCERITA…

Nggak seru kalau teori tanpa disertai bukti. Ketujuh pasangan beda budaya ini membagikan ceritanya untuk kita semua.

Brett & Devi

How should you two communicate? We decided to communicate in English but I speak to my wife in the Indonesian language sometimes.
How much should family be involved? This was not really an issue for us because both our families live a long distance away from us and our families usually do not interfere in our lives unless we request advice.
How do you spend your money? In general we spend our money wisely praying about our most important purchases due to our Christian faith.
How did you address cultural conflicts? Again we address cultural conflicts through prayer seeking God’s Wisdom.
How do you show your love for each other? We show our love for each other by supporting one another practically and verbally.
Do you like your Interracial/cross cultural marriage? Definitely, I enjoy our mixed culture marriage. It produces its own unique challenges but variety is the spice of life.
What culture do you prefer to bring up your children? My stepdaughter was brought up with mixed cultural influences. She has the best of both worlds especially at Christmas and Chinese New Year!

Leony Schiller (Baulkham Hills)

Marriage for: 20 years
Where did you meet him/her? Through internet
The biggest factor you said yes to him/her: He’s the most kind hearted and selfless person that I’ve ever known.

How should you two communicate? We mainly speak in English at home. And I tried to teach both my boys with Indonesian.
How much should family be involved? We do most of the things together but now they’re older, the boys are into outdoor activities so from time to time they go by themselves on their adventures.
How do you spend your money? We spend it quite well and thoughtful for our family.
How did you address cultural conflicts? We understand the cultural differences so we’ll always do take and give when this matter arise.
How do you show your love for each other? By spending time together either just the two of us or the whole family. We love travelling and doing food hunting as family especially sweets.
Do you like your Interracial/cross cultural marriage? Yes, considering we have acknowledged our cultural differences and try to just focus on the good part rather than the bad part.
What culture do you prefer to bring up your children? We try to bring the best of both world for our kids.

Eddie & Lili Samson (Liverpool) 

Married for: 18 years
Where did you meet: in ICQ. The younger generation wouldn’t know what that is.
The biggest reason Lili said yes: Because Eddie loves God, is handsome, very humorous, down to earth, can cook, caring and he’d want me to say sexy.
The biggest reason Ed said yes: Because Lilly has cute ways, is surprisingly witty and funny adorable, she laughs at my jokes. Then I knew was true love very quickly into our relationship.

How should you two communicate? We don’t have to communicate we know what the other is thinking about. But seriously with honesty.
How much should family be involved? Our families are not intrusive. We make our own decisions and they respect them
How do you spend your money? We both have our account, allowing us to have our own spending money. We also have a joint account for the expenses and we put money into it. It’s good to have the money separate because it’s one of the causes of breakups.
How did you address cultural conflicts? Sometimes we agree to disagree. As time goes by we understand each other more and the differences become insignificant. We focus on our similarities.
How do you show your love for each other?
Lili: He still makes me coffee or tea after 18 years, he cooks for me, he always says please and thank you. He helps me get things that are on high shelves which I cannot reach. He remembers my birthday and anniversary.
Ed: She helps me get things that are on low shelves, she remembers all the small things I do and thanks me regularly for them.
Do you like your Interracial/cross cultural marriage? Very much, it introduces us to different cultures and food. For Ed, all kinds of asian food and for Lili an appreciation for hotdogs and hamburgers.
What culture do you prefer to bring up your children? If we had kids, a bit of both cultures. Asian for the red pockets; caring for elderly parents; being generous. Western showing love and affection; being able to show emotion.

Fina Thorpe-Willett (North Perth)

Marriage for: 17 years
Where did you meet him/her? Indonesian Language Class, Jakarta
The biggest factor you said yes to him/her: Mutual Respect, his persistence.

How should you two communicate? Since he is not really fluent in Indonesian language, we use English in this family. Well, occasionally when I am frustrated, I will ‘cursed’ in Indonesian, haha.. so he won’t understand. But I suppose along the years he finally figure out what is happening.
How much should family be involved? Not too much. Prior to marriage, I consult with my family to get approval to marry him. After marriage, the decisions we made mostly independent, just between us.
How do you spend your money? Moderate. We met when I already worked. Along the marriage I always busy and since moving to Perth in 2017, I started my own business with some friends, an Indonesian Restaurant called “Totally Rendang”. He probably relieved because our budget for eating Indonesian food is far lower now.
How did you address cultural conflicts? With respect and understanding of our different background. Many times we’d compromise.
How do you show your love for each other? Caring and giving attention everyday, anytime possible. We share a lot of hugs in the family, with our children too. We share a lot of nags too. It’s our love language. Haha.
Do you like your Interracial/cross cultural marriage? Yes, very much.
What culture do you prefer to bring up your children? Anything positive from both worlds.

Tom & Maria (Beverly Hills)

Marriage for: 28 years.
Where did you meet him/her? At work.

How should you two communicate? English
How much should family be involved? 100%
How do you spend your money? By agreement two of us.
How did you address cultural conflicts? Raise the kid
How do you show your love for each other? By cooking.
Do you like your Interracial/cross cultural marriage? Yes.
What culture do you prefer to bring up your children? Indonesia.

Brenda Wulur (Port Kennedy)

Marriage for: 9 years 6 months.
Where did you meet him/her? I met myhusband in Bali in 2008.
The biggest factor you said yes to him/her: I said yes because he is family oriented and he loves Asian culture, and of course he loves me.

How should you two communicate? Verbal communication, because we believe communication is the key for relationship even though we grew in a different culture
How much should family be involved? Our priority is “keluarga inti” which are me, my husband and our two daughters should be involved in every decision making.
How do you spend your money? Well, I am the spender and my husband the keeper, but we’re working together.
How did you address cultural conflicts? Our culture conflicts is regarding food, how I love rice so much and he loves toast and I don’t like and cannot cook, so I only cook 3 times a week.
How do you show your love for each other? We express our feeling through words and action, and our relationship based on trust that how we appreciate and love each other.
Do you like your Interracial/cross cultural marriage? Yes I do, We learnt a lot from both sides of the family.
What culture do you prefer to bring up your children? I believe mixed culture is good for children because through the differences the children can learn many aspect and respect the differences. [IM]